Femina FortisA different take on women’s liberation

Every now and then parts of my behavior catch me by surprise, and I have no clue what the hell is going on.

I am a 24/7 submissive, complete with the innate personality type and wiring.

I also suffer from crippling anxiety.

Until today, I was unaware of exactly how much my submissive nature and debilitating anxiety have to do with each other.

So exactly 10 days ago Chris and I returned from our first vacation ever. We spent 2 days on travel, 3 in Reno at GBR-IV, and 5 blissful days at Lake Tahoe.

For Tahoe we rented a house and a sailboat and spent our days relaxing. At the same time I’d been instructed to back off of one of my anti-anxiety medications and use Xanax as needed. I thought I had a fear of deep water, so before leaving I asked my doctor to load me up with Xanax.

How many did I take the entire 5 days? ONE. Right before our inaugural voyage on the sailboat. Didn’t need any more than that. My ever-present anxiety never made it to Tahoe.

In fact, it barely made the trip to Reno. My usually crippling social anxiety? Not so much. Surrounded by people, some of them new, some of them not-so-new, and I didn’t have a problem.

I chalked it up to relaxation and enjoyed the lack of tightness in my chest.

So Chris and I drove back home, and somewhere in Cali my father called. He told me my brother got himself admitted to a hospital again, and I needed to pick the kids up from some family friends.

My anxiety came back in one fell swoop and settled in my chest again. The feeling that I suffered from a continual heart attack? Oh, that came back.

I noted the timing, and decided that maybe my problem stemmed from being constantly surprised AND expecting too much from myself (and letting myself be taken advantage of). I decided to set some real boundaries with my family and felt better immediately.

A few days later the Census Bureau called and I was notified that I needed to return to work for training on Monday. Now it’s Thursday, and I’ve spent the week training for work. Once again I noticed a decided decrease in my anxiety levels (though I’ve been hyper as hell) and figured taking more control over my life helped.

In the meantime the testosterone supplements have been working out for Chris. He has a lot more energy and so we’ve been making time for dom/sub release every day. I figured maybe that helped the anxiety as well.

So I’ve been going on with my life and duties pretty happily with little anxiety and few anxious symptoms. Sure, I’ve been a little anxious (work does that) but nothing that’s been debilitating.

Until today.

Everything I thought helped my anxiety? Oh, it helped. A bit.

But sometime between lunch with Kristina and Chris getting home from his training session today my old friend the panic attack returned to my life after an extended absence.

Well fuck.

Have I ever mentioned how much it sucks to feel like you can’t breathe even though you can? It’s kind of distracting. And panic-inducing. Makes for a nice vicious circle.

Of course after these blissful weeks of NOT freaking out, I did kind of take notice of when the anxiety returned.

I had no problem at work (surrounded by people).
No problem at lunch (surrounded by people).
No problem in Tahoe (with Chris 24/7).
No problem in Reno (with Chris, John, or assorted people 24/7).

Then all of a sudden I have a problem at home (with just the dogs for company).

Now that I think about it, my anxiety is at its absolute worst when I’m alone or when Chris is working at home but might as well not be there.

Maybe solitude has something to do with the debilitating panic attacks. Which is really funny, because on top of all of this I’m an introvert that occasionally needs time alone.

Hmmm.

So I start thinking about my reactions and the situations I panic in. I panic when:

In other words, I panic when the situation I’m in lacks a defined and stable command structure for me to refer to. But that’s still not entirely accurate, since lunch out with Kristina today did not induce anxiety, even though we don’t have an alpha/beta relationship. But I still knew where I stood, and where my “place” was in conjunction with Kristina AND the people surrounding us.

Aha.

I panic when I don’t know my place in a situation or when I’m in charge.

Why? BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING SUB.

The entire definition of sub? A person who is happiest with someone else in control.

How does a sub relate to the world? Through knowledge of their “place” and through their relationship to those around them.

A sub who works has a stable command structure has someone in control and knows their place within the organization.

A sub who is out with friends knows what’s expected in public and knows how they relate to their friends.

A sub who is with their dom (or surrogate dom) has both a command structure and a place.

A sub who is alone is LOST AND CONFUSED. And just maybe a little anxious as well.

A sub who is put in charge (as my father and brother tend to do) is just plain MISERABLE. And still searching for someone else to be in control. And EXTREMELY anxious because THEY DON’T WANT TO BE IN CONTROL.

So much so that a sub who holds any responsibility for anyone else and does NOT have an outlet for submissive release is gunning for a nervous breakdown.

No WONDER even talking to my father is enough to initiate a panic attack, since he expects me to take care of the extended family. No WONDER I hate being surrounded by strangers.

No WONDER being at home alone incites panic attacks.

Now that I know what precipitates the anxiety, maybe I can figure out how to work alone without going absolutely insane…

Sometimes life decides that hey, I don’t have enough to deal with.

I’m learning to deal.

In the meantime, I’m learning a lot more about being submissive.  Also, by some accident of fate I’ve recently been introduced to two new subs who are not insane, one who is a lifestyle submissive as I am.

Even better, she’s dating Belisarius who, despite his numerous attempts at repression is quite naturally dominant, to the point that he’s my “brother dom”.

What, you didn’t know that there are different types of dom/sub relationships?  The list is practically unending:

• Dominant spouse/ submissive spouse
• Dominant S.O./ submissive S.O.
• Parent/ child
• Teacher/ student
• Commanding officer/ subordinate
• Boss/ employee
• Mentor/ protege
• Dominant sibling/ submissive sibling

Yes, all of the above are very common relationships HOWEVER most people in those relationships are SITUATIONALLY dominant or submissive.

A naturally dominant person can just as easily be the student as the teacher, or the parent or the child or vice versa.  That’s situational.  However, when a naturally dominant person is in the position of dominance and a naturally submissive person is in the position of submission both are at their most comfortable.

Most people when they think about dominance and submission think about sex, scenes or games.  Natural dominance and submission are much more broad and situational than just being about sex.

For example, my Uncle Charlie is naturally dominant and in reality was my first dom.  His expression of dominance was to look after me, encourage me, scold me if needed, and reward me in the form of affection (something my own parents sucked at).  In no way was/is the relationship sexual but instead was very parental in form.  The form however does not change the fact that it’s a dom/sub relationship.

Belisarius is naturally dominant, though horribly repressed.  He is dominant to me in certain situations; certainly when Justinian isn’t around he assumes the dominant role, and I become submissive to him (I guarantee he’s reading this right now and freaking out a little bit).  He also watches out for me, puts up with my craziness, and keeps me calm in situations where Justinian cannot be there for whatever reason (he offered to sleep on the couch the entire time Justinian was gone on a business trip for example).  If I have a panic attack that Justinian alone cannot handle, he can usually calm me down.  This is all an expression of dominance in the sense of being the one in control of the situation.  The relationship he and I have is closer to a sibling relationship, and has absolutely nothing to do with sex (so much so that his girlfriend does not seem to have a problem with it all, and I love her dearly).

Dominance and submission are broader than sex and much more inclusive.  Sexual dominance is just an expression of dominance, as are scenes and games.

There’s much more to dominance and submission than meets the eye.

This is going to be quite the long-winded post.

Now that I’m “out” its time to hit on something I’ve covered at AnarchAngel, but never really touched on here.

I am a firearms enthusiast, collector, and activist.  I’ve been involved in the Second Amendment blogosphere for 3 years now, and there’s a reason for that.

I know I’m vulnerable.  I know I could very easily be a victim, and I HAVE been a victim.

My first husband was/is abusive.  I know other women who have been or are abused.  I know women who have been raped, and I know women who have been otherwise victimized.  I recognize the danger, and I recognize that I am particularly vulnerable BECAUSE I’m a submissive.

Say what?

Submissive, my personal short definition: a person who is at their most free while someone else is in control, and therefore craves someone else to take control.

Victimizer: someone who wants to control, for whatever time period, for whatever reason, and against their victim’s wishes.

When a victimizer is pondering who their target is, a submissive is ABSOLUTELY at the top of their list.  Not only are we less likely to fight back (because part of us wants someone else to be in control) we’re much less likely to report or escape the abuse.  Not only out of shame of being victimized, but out of shame of partially liking to be abused.

Also, since part of the point of victimizing someone else is to feel powerful and in control, victimizers are naturally drawn to those who impart the message “I want someone to control me.”  Ever hear a rapist say, “but she wanted it”?  That’s because in their twisted minds, they’re doing you a favor.  That, or they see you as less than human in the first place and therefore okay to abuse.

Let me say this again, in fewer words:

VICTIMIZERS LIKE SUBMISSIVES.  WE ARE THEIR FIRST CHOICE.

A submissive who doesn’t face up to this is in danger, 24/7.

Look, subs like being controlled.  Many like rape fantasies, or being “raped” by their doms.  Many like being “forced” within the confines of a safe relationship.

That doesn’t mean we deserve to be victimized.

In fact, I’d say;

THE FIRST RIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY OF A SUBMISSIVE IS TO CHOOSE THEIR MASTER.  TRUE SUBMISSION IS AN ACT OF WILL, NOT FORCED.

WE choose who we submit to, and who controls us.  Giving in to a victimizer is just a passive form of choice.

Yes, we want to be controlled, and yes there are many of us who harbor secret rape fantasies.

But they’re just that – fantasies.

The real thing is very different.  Real rape is brutal, dehumanizing, and scarring.  Real rape tears you to pieces that YOU have to have the will to put together again.  Real rape doesn’t end after you say your safe word.  Real rapists don’t take care not to hurt you.

So I’ve covered a.) submissives are more likely to be chosen as targets, and b.) reality is far different from fantasy, which leads me to

SUBMISSIVES LIKE BEING CONTROLLED.  WE LIKE BEING VICTIMIZED BECAUSE TO BE A VICTIM IS TO BE CONTROLLED.

I don’t care what you intellectually think about being raped, if you are truly a submissive (versus submissive in context) you would partially like being raped.  You want to be controlled, and anyone else being in control is a relief.

The psychological after-effects of such a thing are astounding.  If a sub is victimized, not only do they have to deal with what every victim deals with (anger, shame, fear, physical consequences) but they also have to deal with the fact that a part of them liked it.  That’s a recipe for being fucked in the head right there.

More specifically, let me give you an example.

We used to have a friend, a very close friend, who is even more submissive than I am.  She was molested from the age of 6 to 13, raped (by a stranger) at 17, and went through a string of abusive boyfriends.  In fact, when she had boyfriends who weren’t at least half-asshole, she did her best to end the relationship quickly.

Since she partially enjoyed being abused, she felt so much shame that she thought she deserved to be abused.

The reason I say we used to have a friend is because she found herself another abusive boyfriend, except this one wanted to marry her.  We saw the warning signs of abuse early: he isolated her, interfered in her friendships, and generally kept her under his thumb.  And not in a healthy dom way.

She wouldn’t listen to us.  She broke her previous promise to let us meet any new boyfriends “in case”, and she broke her promise to my husband in particular that he, as the closest thing to a protective male relative, had to approve.

She’s married to him now, and we haven’t hear from her in months.

All because she thinks she deserves it just because she enjoys it.

She never dealt with her previous abuse, never dealt with the fact that she enjoyed it.  We taught her firearms safety, taught her to shoot, and brought her into a safe circle of friends.

She still chose the abuser, and to be abused.

Don’t be like that.

So I’ve gotten through a.) victimizers like subs, b.) fantasy is different from reality, and c.) the psychological consequences of being a victim are compounded for subs.  That leads me to:

A SUBMISSIVE WHO ALLOWS THEMSELVES TO BE CONTROLLED BY ANYONE OTHER THAN THEIR CHOSEN DOM HAS FAILED THEIR DOM AND THEMSELVES.

I don’t care if you have a dom already, or have not entered such a relationship yet.  If you choose not to fight back against someone you have not chosen to control you, you have failed your dom.  You have broken the compact between dom and sub, and you have let yourself be abused in such a way that getting back to your normal, safe relationship will be quite difficult.

Note that I’m not saying that if you are victimized, you are failing yourself.  Sometimes everything you do to fight back isn’t enough, and you are victimized anyway.  There’s no shame in doing everything you can to save yourself, and while it is not much comfort at the end to say “I did my best,” it does make a difference.

But if you choose to be passive, and choose to give in, yes you are failing yourself and you dom because you have not done everything in your power to prevent harm to yourself.

That leads me to:

YOUR DOM CANNOT BE EVERYWHERE, AND YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOURSELF IN THEIR STEAD.

This can be a hard one for a submissive to wrap their head around.  We like being protected; we like the feeling of our dom (or male relative, or friend) protecting us.

They can’t be everywhere.

For the sub who works, runs a household, or otherwise functions without their dom’s immediate presence, self-defense is vital.  Even those who are always within arm’s reach of their dom need to learn self-defense.

Take me for example.

I’m a stay-at-home mom housewife domestic engineer.  The reality is, I don’t spend a lot of time at home.  Much of my work involves being at the school, running errands, taking care of my mother-in-law, and driving to and fro.  Just because I don’t have a “job” doesn’t mean I spend a lot of time at home.

I, by necessity, spend a lot of time in the outside world alone.  I need to be able to defend myself while out and about because there’s no one else to do so.

Even at home, self-defense is a priority.  Yes, we have huge dogs who would notify us of trouble, and yes my husband is the primary defender.

But what if he is injured and unable to fight?  What if there’s too many people breaking in to the house and trying to do us harm?  What if the dogs have already been killed?  I need to be able to watch his back, and defend him if necessary, because that’s my job as his sub.

There’s a reason we have two shotguns after all.

So I’ve covered why submissives are more likely to be targeted, and why we need to defend ourselves.  That leads me to how.

MINDSET

PREVENTION

PREPARATION

The number one factor in effective self-defense is mindset.  If you don’t think you’re worth protecting, or there’s no point to protecting yourself, or that it will never happen to me, you’re screwed.  There’s no way to sugarcoat it.  You’re going to be victimized.

You have to decide that, should the need arise, you WILL protect yourself.

I’m not just talking about rapists and burglars here either.  I’m talking about not being a victim in every way possible.  Remember, THE FIRST RIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY OF A SUBMISSIVE IS TO CHOOSE THEIR MASTER.  TRUE SUBMISSION IS AN ACT OF WILL, NOT FORCED.

You have the right of refusal.  You do not have to submit to someone who is dominant just because they are dominant.  You choose to submit.

“But what if I need my submissive release?  What if I’m in such need that I’ll give in to anyone?”

Decide beforehand what you want.  Decide that you want someone to treat you well, to love you, to protect you.  If what is in front of you isn’t what you want, say no.  If you already know what you want, refusing anything else is much easier.

If you know what you want, abusers will have a lot harder time getting you to submit.  This is the most basic part of self-defense for the submissive: you have the choice of who you submit to.

So now that you’ve chosen not to submit to those who would abuse you, you must go one step further.

The submissive’s mantra: IF I HAVE NOT CHOSEN TO SUBMIT TO YOU, YOU CANNOT FORCE ME TO.

Yes, this is an act of choice and will, but its vitally important.  Once you have submitted to someone, defying them is incredibly difficult.  This applies to all who would abuse or otherwise victimize you: do not allow yourself to submit to them.

Sometimes this means walking away.  Sometimes this means fighting back, which leads to:

DECIDE TO END THE THREAT.

If you have decided that you will NOT be victimized, make the conscious choice to end the threat.   Yes, I realize that I’ve used an odd phrasing there.  That’s because when it comes to using firearms to defend yourself, the mantra is

You don’t shoot to kill.  You shoot to end the threat.

If you can end the threat by escaping, do so.  If you can’t escape, you end the threat by all means available.  That means physically fighting back, tearing out eyes, doing everything you can UNTIL THE THREAT STOPS.

So don’t decide to “fight back”, “scream”, or anything so specific.  Decide to do what you have to to end the threat.

After mindset comes prevention.

Prevention means so many things, but the primary form of prevention is avoidance.  Avoiding places where you know the likelihood of being victimized is higher.  Avoiding behaviors that make victimization less likely.  A lot of us know these methods as “rape prevention.”

Some of them are obvious.  Don’t go into alleys in the middle of the night.  Don’t go to bars alone.  Don’t drink alone, don’t become inebriated, don’t use drugs, and don’t otherwise impair your cognitive abilities.

That’s not enough though.  There’s so many things people do without thinking about it.  My personal list includes:

• Keep an eye on your surroundings.  Take note of the people around you.
• Don’t keep your back to the door, or otherwise block your view of the people around you.
• Don’t park in badly lit places, or otherwise impair your ability to see.
• Don’t tune out, i.e. stick both earbuds or otherwise impair your ability to hear.
• In other words, DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SURPRISED.
• Keep your emergency kit stocked, including jumper cables or, if you can manage it, a jumpstarter.  Make sure your spare tire is usable.  Make sure you have a decent jack, and that you know how to change your own tire.  The side of the road is a VERY vulnerable place to be.
• Keep your cell phone charged.
• If your vehicle has OnStar, keep it current.

These are all preventitive steps so you can avoid being in a situation where you would be victimized.

The third step is PREPARATION.

Preparation also means many things, but in this case it means being well-versed in your options.  This is as basic as:

• Know where all your exits are.
• Be independently mobile, which means either driving yourself or having safe alternate means of transportation (as simple as saving a cab service phone number on your cell phone).

Preparation can also mean self-defense training of many stripes.  Rape prevention classes.  Martial arts.  Boxing.  Anything where you learn to use your body to your best advantage, and get used to fighting back, even if it is only sparring.

Pepper spray sucks.  There’s no way around it.  Pepper spray is based on the premise that you will aim exactly and that you won’t get within grabbing range, because otherwise the pepper spray is going to hurt you as much as it hurts them.  Stun guns are just as bad, though if you live in a state where these are your only options these are as good as you’re going to get.  Proper training and learning the risks of using them is key, and they’re not magic bullets.

Preparation can also mean weaponry.  Knives are very iffy, unless you have tons of experience or don’t have a problem with close contact and blood.  And remember, you WILL get cut, it’s just a matter of how bad.  I personally have a problem with both, as I’d like to end the threat from as far away as possible, which leads me to:

Firearms.

Yes, I know.  Popular misconceptions about firearms and subs don’t particularly go well together.  Firearms are such a dominant, testosterone-filled penis replacement in so many of our minds.  Firearms are the realm of Dirty Harry and old westerns, not of 100lb women in heels.

That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Firearm enthusiasts call guns “the great equalizer” because that’s precisely what they are.

For example, my husband is broad-shouldered, heavily-muscled (his upper arms are as wide around as our 5-year-old’s waist), 400lb man.  He doesn’t get messed with because its pretty clear to anyone who looks at him that he’d fight back, and he’d fight back hard.

The same can’t be said of a 100lb, or even 200lb, woman.  Women are naturally weaker, and we lack upper body strength.  A slim man is also more likely to be targeted, particularly by a group, because he’s less able to fight back physically.

But you know what always gets a victimizer to rethink their victim selection process?  A gun.  A gun means power.  A gun means respect.

A gun means the ability to kill them, no matter how small their “victim” is.

A gun means the ability of a 100lb woman to fight back against a 400lb man, and win.  That’s why its called the great equalizer.

A gun is empowerment for both sexes.

I personally, as submissive as I am, absolutely ADORE firearms both as a self-defense tool and a mechanical work of art.

Firearms, however, require some work.  In order for firearms to be useful in self-defense, you have to prepare yourself to use them.  That means learning firearms safety, learning how to shoot well, learning all of your applicable laws (including getting a carry license if necessary), and keeping in practice.

If you, like me, find that you like to shoot, none of this is work.

Then you need to make the committment to carry wherever legal, because all the firearms training in the world won’t help you if you don’t have one at hand.

Yes, the tendency towards self-defense may not be innate in the submissive, but its necessary nonetheless.

Just because you want someone to take care of you does not absolve you of the responsibility to take care of yourself.

Self-Defense Resources (a.k.a some of my favorite blogs, and people who know what they’re talking about)

Mulligan’s Map of Mentors – nationwide map of those willing to teach newbies firearms safety and shooting

Cornered Cat – self-defense from the female perspective

View From the Porch – ditto

Breda Fallacy – chick with guns

AnarchAngel – my husband’s site and the home of most of my self-defense writing

The Gun Counter – a damn good self-defense forum, and very friendly to the beginner and women specifically.  Plus all these guys have wives, girlfriends, daughters, and other women they encourage to protect themselves.  If they can’t answer your question, their wives can (and many of them are members as well).

I am submissive.  I am a submissive.  My greatest joy comes from pleasing and submitting to my husband, my greatest relief comes from giving up control.

I am submissive.  I WANT, NEED to be taken care of, to be part of a pack, to have someone watch over me.  It’s not that I can not, or will not take care of myself, it’s not that I can’t be trusted to run my own life (I have before).  I don’t want to.

I am submissive.  I am NOT

• weak
• a sexual deviant
• a doormat
• a slave, or
• a less-than equal person.

I am submissive.  I am not someone to be taken advantage of.

I am submissive.  I do NOT have borderline personality disorder, nor am I damaged goods.

I am submissive.  I am the support crew.  I run the household, make sure everyone is fed, clean, and healthy, and make my husband’s professional life as easy as possible.

I am submissive.  I don’t want to play corporate games.  I don’t want to climb the ladder, or shatter the glass ceiling.  I’d much rather be where I am.

I am submissive.  I want a strong, caring husband who I depend upon.  I want him to ensure my welfare.

I am submissive.  There’s nothing wrong with that, nor right.  It’s just who I am.

Of all of the tendencies of a submissive personality, the tendency which causes the most problems (outside of our inherent attraction to assholes) is the desire to please everyone at the same time.

The nature of a submissive is to please people.  In a perfect world, a submissive would find one or two trustworthy souls (hopefully a parent or a spouse) who wants the best for them and they would find their release in pleasing that person.  Such a setup is ideal; by doing what is best for themselves they please their chosen person, and fulfill their submissive nature at the same time.

But what happens to a submissive who isn’t in such a situation?

There are many different paths an unplaced submissive can take, including attaching themselves to someone unworthy, being in complete denial, supressing their submissive nature…. etc.

However, one of these most common ways to deal with an inherent submissive nature is to become a people pleaser.

Everyone knows at least one people pleaser.  They can be spotted by their willingness to help, the fact that they’re always "available" even if it means only getting 2 hours of sleep, and their prevalence on volunteer boards.

Wherever people need things from other people, you can usually find a people pleaser. 

Submissives are very good, very miserable people pleasers.

If the underlying drive of a submissive is for love and affection (really everyone’s drive) and they feel that love and affection best, and FEEL best after pleasing someone, they are going to constantly look for someone to please.

That can lead to problems, especially if a sub can’t find a single person.  Then there is an overwhelming tendency to please everyone, and AVOID confrontation at all costs.  Confrontation is very uncomfortable for a submissive, moreso than for an independent personality.  Not only is the other person NOT going to be pleased, but in the sub’s mind it is all their own fault.

I used to be a people pleaser.  I used to avoid confrontation like the plague while simultaneously attempting to keep everyone happy.  It’s not easy, and it’s not emotionally healthy.  However, it feels better than being independent, and not caring.  I have a dependent submissive personality; I NEED the input of other people like I need air.  I need to feel at home within a group, which is why attempting to be everything to everyone came naturally to me.

I’m getting better about falling into that trap, but every now and then I misstep.  I WANT to be liked, and a part of me is more than willing to risk my sanity in order to feel wanted and needed.  It’s a battle I fight every day, to limit my submissive scope to Justinian and his goals for me, and let the world go to hell.  Sometimes it takes a conscious submissive gesture to remind me, but I need to be reminded.

My advice for all other people pleasing subs in the world?  Stop.  Give yourself a breather.  If you can’t find a good dom, find a friend who can remind you to take care of yourself first.  Then listen to them when they order you to do so.

People pleasing may feel good temporarily, but there’s hell to pay at the end.  You’ll spend your time being indecisive, confused, exhausted, and bitchy.  No amount of temporary release is worth that much drama.

 This has so not been fun…

Ever been completely conflicted about a part of yourself?  So completely aware that it’s a necessary, can’t-function-without-it part of who you are, yet so completely disgusted with it?

That’s how I feel about being a submissive.

Not a sex-only submissive, or a masochist, or any other identity associated with dominance and submission.  I’m a lifestyle submissive.  I’m a Beta, and only a Beta, and will always be a Beta.  I’m lucky enough that I can recognize this and, if the situation calls for it, act like an independent or an Alpha necessary.  If my family is a dog pack, Justinian is the Alpha, I’m the Alpha bitch, and things feel completely and utterly natural that way.

But for some reason, in some corner of my mind, I HATE it.  I hate it with a passion that matches a million burning suns.  For some reason, I convinced myself long ago that my nature was wrong, dangerous, and NOT what I should be.

There’s that word: should.  And I’ve realized lately that "should" is the reason I hate this part of myself so much.

I’m supposed to be independent.  I’m supposed to be a strong, stand-alone, handle-everything woman.  And honestly, I can be if the situation calls for it.

I’m not supposed to be dependent, or want to be protected or taken care of, or feel safe with someone else and want to do nothing but please my Alpha.  But that’s the situation I want most, where I can be myself and be safe and taken care of for the first time in my life.  That’s where I am now, and I’m completely conflicted about it.

I blame the Feminists.  I blame them for convincing women that wanting a Cinderella story is wrong, and for convincing men that they don’t need to be responsible, strong, and protective anymore.  And for convincing everyone that any couple that behaves differently is a religious nutjob.

Well, I may be religious but I’m not a nutjob.  And since I’m not a nutjob and *gasp* my religion supports and encourages this kind of lifestyle, it must be okay.

So maybe it’s time to tell that hidden part of my mind to shut up.  It’s wrong, and I’m safe, and thank god nature prevailed over nurture.  Otherwise, I might never be content and happy as who I am.

A submissive is happiest in their place.

A submissive defines themselves by their relative place in the universe.  A natural Alpha Bitch such as myself functions best with an Alpha as head of her "pack"; by finding my husband and therefore my dom, I’m made myself comfortable by finding my relative place in the world and doing what I do best.

So what happens with a submissive who doesn’t have a relative place in the world, or doesn’t have an Alpha to defer to?

Well, in my experience at least two things can happen.  Either the submissive acts submissive to everyone, or they rebel against their nature and control it long enough to get into a safe situation with a responsible dominant.

Or, like in my case, they do some bastardized combination of the above.

For the longest time I was submissive to everyone in little ways, and would constantly rebel against these little submissive acts by being difficult and being a bitch.  And I’ve noticed lately that I still do that at times.  I still defer to everyone in little ways, or become overbearing in order to compensate.

For that reason, among many, I am reluctant to see the people who used these tendencies against me for so long.

Yes, my ex-inlaws are headed to town to spend time with the daughters.  Joy.

It used to be that I’ve controlled this impulse to be subservient to those I’ve deferred to before by pure will, and pure panic.  But that’s not good enough.

I want to go to the facility, look at them, and feel nothing but the understandable and healthy irritation and well-earned lack of trust that they deserve.  No wanting to please them, no wanting to capitulate, and no wanting to lash out because of all of it.  I want to see pests, and only pests, the kind that I’m currently crushing beneath my legal shoes.

So what does that mean?  I think, for me, that means understanding and accepting one very important fact: they can’t do anything to me anymore.  They have no power over me.

There are only three forces in this world allowed to have power over me: God, Justinian, and myself.  The first two are jealous in their own right.  No one else has power over me, and no one else ever will again. 

I’ve learned enough at this point to understand this: my submissive nature may be overbearing in the wild, but now that I have my place I can indulge my nature in a healthy, safe way.  No more discomfort, no more danger, no more overwhelming need to avoid discord at any cost.  As long as I’m being who I am at home, I can be who I need to be in the outside world.

And who I need to be on Thursday is a legally in the right, uncompromising, unyielding but polite bitch.  And that is who I will be.

Well, really, there isn’t a good definition of submissive.  It depends on what exactly you’re talking about, and everyone has a different concept of the word.

To some people, "submissive" is limited to the D/s world, where "submissive" automatically conjures up images of whips, chains, and tons of leather.  To some, including a very submissive friend of ours, this also conjures up images of torture and past abuse.  But for those who are only submissive in the sexual arena, I will use the term "sexual submissive".

To other people, "submissive" is a bad word, meaning someone who is weak-willed and unable to think for themselves and needs to be told exactly what to do.  For this personality type, I will use the word "slave".

To others, "submissive" means a person with a figurative or literal collar around their neck, being led around like a pet.  And that, for this site’s purposes, is called a "pet".

For me, it is none of this things.  To me, it’s just who I am.

In this site, I used the word "submissive" in only one way.  To me, a submissive is a person who, through nature and nurture, is a Beta.  In other words, to me, a submissive is someone whose mental, emotional, and physical well-being is better served following someone else’s lead.

This is an odd concept in the U.S.  Americans pride themselves on their independence and individuality.  Schools teach that leadership is the highest calling and reward.

However, only about 20% of the population is mentally suited to leadership.  Another 20% is inherently submissive, and the rest are somewhere in between.

And this is a GOOD thing.

Not everyone is suited to being in charge.  Not everyone can handle the pressure, or make the decisions, or take everything necessary into account.  Not everyone feels the need to be in control.

A dominant personality, or "dominant" seeks control and influence.  In the best circumstances they do this in the spirit of serving the public and private good.  In the worst, they are megalomaniacs.

The world does not need more megalomaniacs.  And the dominants who DO work towards a better world need help.

The people in the middle function well as help, as well as leaders when they need to be.  They can function at both levels.  In the D/s world this personality type (the majority of all people) is called a "switch" because they can handle both positions.  For this site, I will refer to them as "the majority of people" or an equivalent term.

A submissive personality, or "submissive" does best in the helper, or service role.  They don’t like making the big decisions of the world; they’d rather leave that to the dominants around them.  Submissives are much better at getting things done rather than deciding what needs to get done.  They are happiest when they have a set task or set of tasks to do, or orders to follow.

As Justinian once put it, dominants are like generals, and submissives are like sergeants.  The general makes the decisions, the sergeant implements them.  One side is tactics, the other logistics.

This is where a submissive functions best, when they know what needs to be done, but have reign to figure out how.

All of these personality types are necessary to form a cohesive society.

So now that we’ve established what a submissive is, what does a submissive look like?

Honestly, they look just like everyone else.  You can find submissives in almost any occupation, be it the military, nursing, administration, religious service, or anything else you can think of.  But, of course, the best example of what a submissive looks like is one you know, and that is me.

I take care of a husband and two small children.

I manage a household and everything the household needs. 

I drive my kids to and from school.  I volunteer and work occasionally.

I’m the woman in the grocery store, planning the dinners for the work.  I’m the professional consumer, who knows every price of every item I’ve ever bought.  I make 90% of the buying decisions.

I’m the person who calls the repair company when things go wrong.  I’m the person who keeps track of the finances.

I am a full-time wife and mother with full autonomy.

But at the end of the day, I cede all control of the major facets of our lives to Justinian.  He makes the money, makes the major money decisions, handles emergencies, and protects the household.  Everything rests of his shoulders.

In other words, I am what used to be referred to as a normal housewife, a term which has been villainized by generations of Feminists who for whatever reason think of my ilk as downtrodden women.

We’re not downtrodden.  We’re the happiest submissives in the world.  We have our objective, and only one objective: the health and well-being of our families.  We know what we have to do, and are given full reign to do it.

Just because we’re not the ones "in power" doesn’t mean we’re miserable.  Quite the opposite.

Yes, there are submissive men as well, but there is no hiding the fact that the vast majority of submissives are female.  It’s ingrained as a survival mechanism, and a damn good one.  And honestly, not everyone needs to be amibitious and conquer the world.

Leave the conquering to the dominants.  The submissives are the ones doing the just-as-important job of keeping the homefires going while they’re gone.  That’s what we do best.